REQUEST 4 SSLARY RAISE

*Subject: The Day the Penis asked for a Raise! LOL]I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for thefollowing reasons. **I do physical labor. **I work at great depths. **I plunge headfirst into everything I do. **I do not get w**eekends or public holidays off. **I work in a damp environment.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. **I work in high temperatures. **My work exposes me to contagious diseases. *** * Sincerely, **P. Niss. **** ** The Response:** Dear P. Niss After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you haveraised, the administration rejects your request for the followingreasons: **You do not work 8 hours straight. **You fall asleep after brief work periods **You do not always follow the orders of the **management team. **You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting otherlocations.**You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working.You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearingthe correct protective clothing. **You will retire well before you are 65. **You are unable to work double shifts. **You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completedassigned task. **And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering andexiting the workplace **carrying two suspicious-looking bags.**Sincerely, **V. Gina. *

Y SME CHIX WONT BE TAKEN ON A 2ND DATE

Chic: (calls Guy ): "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do somenyama .. ?"Guy: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawasweetie..how about Buffet Park....Shall I pick u at 2 ..?"Chic: "Sawa.. laterz."(Guy amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, puts onjeans and polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, thendrives to the Chics crib...)So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia thebutchery to order the nyaks.Guy (to Chic): So what do u want to have .. ?Chic: just anything...(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyoni jibu gani ..?)Guy (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ...ikuje nakachum... (chic interrupts Guy.. !)Chic: Apana.. eeiishh..! ..Si you know I don't eat goat meat..!Guy: (thinks to himself..."Really..!... then why didn't you say so in thefirst place, nugu hii") (To Chic) .. How about beef then..?Chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont likemathunya...( Guy looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself..."atifat,you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat arenegligible..")Guy: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe hainamafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma andholds it up for Guy to see)Guy: "Weka hiyo nione...(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale... theChic points at a small..... very very small piece of fat on the meat)Chic: "Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana , tuonyeshe ingine,Butcher curses ....under his breath. Other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start tocurse . Guy feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fatjang'o women they pitad on their way in. Chic points at a fresh carcass ofmeat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that isimpossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on thefloor.Chic: "Kata pale.. ...."Butcher: "Hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti ..(butcher attempts toreturn the piece back on the scale)Chic: "Apana..!.. Hauna nyama hakuna zingine kwa store..."Guy: (to Chic) " Eeh ..lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat themathunya pieces ama... ?"Chic: "OK"Guy: (to butcher) "Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania naspinach.Ongezaugali mbili..."Chic: .. "Ugali..? me I dont want ugg..Dont they have Chipos..?"Chic: (to butcher) "Leta na ugali moja na chips mbili..."Guy: ( thinks to himself... no wonder her butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoidanimal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haonikundule ..)Butcher: "KAMAU...!!! Oya nyama ino..! ..ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhaniana spinashi... ndugekire waaru..(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tossesit to kamau in the kitchen behind him)Butcher: "Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53 ... Itachukwa ithaa moja...."Guy pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag..So we enter the openspace of the club and sit down. Waiter comes,Guy orders his cold Tusker,Chic orders her malt. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda.... then there is thismama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas, sausages and mshikakis..Chic: "Wewe ..psst ppstt.. nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ..."Guy: (shocked).. "Haiya, si u wait for the meat.."Chic: "I will still kula the meat..."Guy: ok (and she proceeds to kula 3 samoz and 3 mshikakis)One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto forwashing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chiposand the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice.... "Bonne Appetit"..! ..Karibu Nyama " ... Guy invites the Chic and thinks to himself.. now she willreally shiba... LAKINI WAPI..! Yaani after all that shiet, she just henpecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOTENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:...Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter! niletee serviettes pliz..natoothpicks..."Guy: (cursing silently ) " Why arent you eating nyama...."Chic: "I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u juathe way they can be nasty ..??.Without another word Guy proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter topack the rest of the meat in a juala , patias waiter the now wrappedremaining meat to peleka to his car ...... Then he fungulias the carburetor... "Leta TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Matchcoming on the screens in about 20 mins..Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours...to the amazement of the Guy ...Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! ..niitie yule mama wa sambusa....(Guy closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed toTopaz....Fish and Chips...! ).So later on at around 12:30 am Guy takes the chick to the car and startsbeing naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they arecatching rubs like .....Guy : " Baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private ..??"Chic: "Aaaah.. aaah... you naughty boy..!!! ..rrrrrrr... sure , whats onyour mind....?"Guy: " I'll show you ...!( Guy drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ..40 kgs ofpure booty ... occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tinyskirt) .Before long they get to Guys crib , struggle and grope all the way to thethird floor.Guy :( Panting , both already half naked, he tries to remove her panties).Chic: "Wweeee..!!.. iz how ??....what you trying to do..?"Guy: (amazed) " Kwani what do you think ..?"Chic: "Bilaz ..!!..I dont want..!!"Guy: " Come on babe..!.."Chic: (pulling a very serious look) " NO..! ..Dont do that..!.."Guy: " Hala..! ..whats the matter..!.. ( thinking ...si thambutha umekula ?.. na viazi vya mafuta ?..)Chic: " I can't..! .."Guy : ( thinking ....Tusker Malt kumi na nyama ya ngombe fry ? ... APANA.... Shuma lazima ilale ndani..!..)Chic: " I'm rolling ...!!!..Guy: " SH*T ..!!!.."

PHILOSOPHY

> Socrates was right. If you want to enjoy life, get married. If you find a> good spouse, you will be happy. If you don't, you will be a philosopher. If> in doubt, look at relationship counsellors — they are either single or> divorced, but they can wax philosophical, man!>> "Life can give u a hundred reasons to cry,> But u can give life a thousand reasons to smile."> Have a fabulous day

MCHONGUANO

*JIENJOY LAKINI!**Wall za nyumba yenyu ni thin... ma neighbors wakikatakata kitunguu munaliaKwenyu nyinyi ni wengi mpaka muko na number plate...** **Ati we ni m-black mpaka shetani akikucheki anasema 'Jesus!'** **** **Ati we ni m-tall mpaka ukivaa trao by the time ifike kwa waist imeishafashion...** **Wewe nywele zako ni ngumu kabla uchanue wewe humeza Panadol.** **Ati TV yenu ni small mpaka nyi hu-watch na macho moja****Nyinyi kwenu ni wa-black mkiingia kwa moti yenyu dirisha zinakuwa tinted****Wewe ni mnono ukiingia class unakaa next to everyone** **Nyi ni mababi mpaka munapika chapo na lotion** **First time yako ku-buy ball gum shopkeeper alikugei ya green ukasema 'natakaile imeiva'****TV yenyu ni old mukiwasha Kasavuli bado yuko kipindi cha watoto** **
Nyinyi ni wengi father-ko akicome home anasema 'wananchi?'** ** ** **Mathako m-lazy anapika chapo moja na anatoa fotocopy ya hizo zingine** **We mfupi jo unashuka kwa basi na parachute** **Budako ni fala mpaka ye hu-cover newspaper** **TV yenu ndogo mpaka news huanza...'je munatuona?'** ** **Paka yenyu imeona movie mob.. ni otero.. mpaka ikifuata panya inalia'tereng! tereng!'** ** ** **Wewe ni mshamba mpaka the first time ulipanda mathree ulitandika vitambaa.****Kwenyu nyi wengi badala ya sofasets muko na viti za stadi (stadium)** **TV yenu ni nzee mpaka mna izima na maji** **Budaako ni mso ye hukula maembe** **kama** njugu*

DAYTIME AFFAIR

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway."Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband'shome early!""I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!""If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out thewindow! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discoveredhe had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so hestarted running along beside the others, about 300 ofthem.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in asbest he could.After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him withsome curiosity, jogged closer."Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gaspingfor air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clotheswith you under your arm?""Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressedright at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do youalways wear a condom when you run

REINCARNATION

Chipo was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had aboyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.- "Honey! "- said the psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life.But in the reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men willfall at your feet".Chipo left very happy and excited, and as she went over a bridge shethought:"the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins". She decided to jump offthe bridge right away.But, incredibly Chipo didn't die!She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses andfainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to seevery well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching hersurroundings, feeling all the bananas. She mumbled with a huge smile on herface:- "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!

TOOTHBRUSH

*A **small girl walks-in while her father is dressing in the bedroom.She looks at his privates and points at his person and asks "Dad what's thatthing between your legs?" Dad replies "I don't know".She goes to kitchen and finds her mum "Mum what is that long thing betweendad's legs?" The mum instead of explaining things to her she replies "Idon't know"A week later when the mum was coming from work the little girl runs to herand says "Mum you refused to tell me the name of that thing between dad'slegs. I have finally figured it out on my own. IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH".The mum laughs then asks her "How do u know that?"The girl explains "....when I came back from pre-school this morning I sawthe maid kneeling in front of dad,brushing her teeth with dad's toothbrush and sure enough there wasTOOTHPASTE in her mouth ".*