crazy_black_kenyan_wizard

Don't hold your Farts

2012-01-24T08:13:00.000-08:00

Don't hold your farts. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's how you get shitty ideas.!:-)

Why I no longer Ride my Bike

2011-12-20T06:04:00.001-08:00

How Dinosaurs died:-)

2011-12-07T20:14:00.001-08:00

Wise Old Japanese Saying

2011-12-07T20:01:00.000-08:00

For want of a nail, the horseshoe was lost
For want of a horseshoe, the steed was lost
For want of a steed, the message was not delivered
For want of an undelivered message, the war was lost.!

Are the Chinese taking over??

2011-11-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

Very interesting article about Chinese(read Huawei) forays into the Telcoms industry Read This.!

For those who think they know better...

2011-10-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Your deductive powers are a gift from God or chance or a stray shot of sperm or whatever or whoever the hell wrote your life script...
They are a gift, not earned.

You do not know what I know because you have not earned those powers. You are callous with those powers, so you flaunt them and throw them around like a brat with a trust fund.

You haven't had to climb up all the greasy little wrungs, you haven't had to buy your way to the fundraisers, you haven't done the time in that first marriage to the girl with the right father.

You think that you can leap over it all in a single bound. You haven't had to bribe or charm or threaten your way to a seat at that table.

You don't know how to assess your competition because you haven't competed. Don't make me your competition.!"

Robert DeNiro, Limitless, 2011

karma(going around, coming around)

2011-09-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's always funny when it happens to someone else, but fucking hilarious when it happens to you.!

Social Media Explained

2011-07-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

Stuff That Our Kids Will Never Know About Or Use

2011-07-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

Audio-Visual Entertainment
Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something. (What?)
Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo. (hehehehehe)
The number of TV channels being a single digit. I remember it being a massive event when Britain got its fourth channel.
Standard-definition, CRT TVs filling up half your living room. (Kwanza the Rich Families with the 30inch Tvs)
Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control. (Shit! I have like three remotes)
High-speed dubbing. (hehehehehe Kwanza when the owner of the tape wants it back ASAP)
Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD. (Boogie on Down)
MiniDisc. (What the hell where these for anyway)
Laserdisc: the LP of DVD.
Scanning the radio dial and hearing static between stations. (Well bado we still have these)
Shortwave radio. (BBC anyone?)
3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses. (Bado haijafika huku vizuri)
Watching TV when the networks say you should. Tivo and Sky+ are slowing killing this one. (HI bado haija fika huku)
That there was a time before ‘reality TV.’ (Oh yes The Kardashians)

Computers
Wires. OK, so they’re not gone yet, but it won’t be long. (hmmmmmmmm)
The scream of a modem connecting. (ding, ding zoooorg, tru, tru, ding!)
The buzz of a dot-matrix printer. (Banks still use these printer)
5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage. (what imaging installing Windows 95)
DOS. (One of the hardest programmes to do)
Screens being just green (or orange) on black. (hehehehe)
Daisy chaining your SCSI devices and making sure they’ve all got a different ID.
Counting in kilobytes. (bwahahahahaha)
Wondering if you can afford to buy a RAM upgrade. (tihihihihi)
Blowing the dust out of a NES cartridge in the hopes that it’ll load this time. (dang!)
Turning a PlayStation on its end to try and get a game to load. (yes Oh my old friend PS 1)
Joysticks. (Never used them)
Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive. (Computer ya kalekachali)
Booting your computer off of a floppy disk. (Windows 95 na 98)
Recording a song in a studio. (hehehehe at 4 oclock and usiku)

Everything Else
Taking turns picking a radio station, or selecting a tape, for everyone to listen to during a long drive. (unless umebuy gari ya japan na you haven’t oput on an after market receiver)
Remembering someone’s phone number. (yeah)
Not knowing who was calling you on the phone. (hehehehehehehe)
Actually going down to rent a movie on Tape.
Toys actually being suitable for the under-3s.
LEGO just being square blocks of various sizes, with the odd wheel, window or door. (I played with these)
Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater. (That never happens in Kenya)
Neat handwriting. (Oh Snap)
“Don’t know what a slide rule is for …”
Finding books in a card catalog at the library.
Swimming pools with diving boards.
Sliding the paper outer wrapper off a Kit-Kat, placing it on the palm of your hand and clapping to make it bang loudly. Then sliding your finger down the silver foil to break off the first finger. ( oh happy days)
Having to manually unlock a car door. (even starting it)
Writing a check. (I hate these things)
Roller skates, as opposed to blades.
Cash. (I love these but mpesa is stealing it)
Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.
Spending your entire allowance at the arcade in the mall.
A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.
When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same. (there is a difference?)

Another Chinese First.!

2011-07-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

Rambles thru my head...

2011-06-23T11:19:00.001-07:00

When i was born i was so surprised, i didn't talk for a year and a half

I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

Rambles thru my head...

2011-06-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

Those people who live within their means have obviously no imagination.!

Losing

2011-05-23T03:01:00.000-07:00

If losing has taught me anything, it's how to do it gracefully...

'i Don't Know (but I Been Told)'

2011-04-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

- music makes you lose control
- the streets in heaven are lined with gold
- you'll never die and you'll never grow old
- in the heat of the sun a man died of cold
- there's something waiting for us, down that dirty road
- you never slow down, you never grow old
- next to you my life's been cold
- I'm about twenty-four earth years old
- about a man named Leopold
- he's baking cakes inside our souls
- it's hard to run with the weight of gold
- if you keep on dancing you won't grow old
- Northern girls are mighty cold
- you resurrect the rock n' roll (by taking back the radio)
- it's so, you know, it's good as gold
- that good things come with time - let's go!
- there's a place where dreams are bought and sold
- big legged woman ain't got no soul
- boss' pockets are lined with gold
- if the horse won't pull you gotta carry the load
- every sinner's gonna pay a toll
- that city livin' is awfully cold
- the streets of hell are paved with gold
- you live this way you won't grow old

Hilarious Letters

2011-01-29T00:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two
friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves
in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,

B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z

Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream...
What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and
totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

Nataka Nyonyo

2011-01-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

“.............. In a bus going to Thika a lady with her son sits next to a young man.
She starts to breastfeed the kid but he refuses so she tells him, 'Ebu nyonya or I’ll give it to this young man here '.
After some time still the kid refuses to suckle and she tells him again suckle or I'll give the young man .
This happens about 4 times n the young man gets frustrated n tells the lady 'Will you make up your mind already coz i was supposed to alight 30mins ago”.

Ututho

2011-01-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

Ututho: the habit of refusing to buy people beer.

example: 'Kamau ukiendelea na hiyo ututho wako hauwezi pata take away.'

Bachelor(s)

2011-01-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

A bachelor is a silly stupid man who lives like a king and dies like a dog...(yeah, that's me.!)

SHAKING MY HEAD

2010-12-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

Soo much unexpected has happened this year. I have seen and heard of soo much that I did not know. At the end of it all, I've come to one conclusion

Kenya is a Fucked Up country and we are all Fucked.! But I still love it here...(sic)

The truth about Laziness

2010-12-25T02:57:00.000-08:00

Laziness is simply the habit or resting before you get tired(sic)

If poem

2010-12-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Serenity Prayer for Online Addict

2010-12-11T06:51:00.000-08:00

God, grant me the serenity to accept a server I cannot change,

Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on

.. when I'm running late for work,

And the wisdom to know the difference between

"Come to bed now" (meaning "Let's have some fun!")

...and "Come to bed NOW!" (meaning "That computer has got to GO"!)

Amen

Interesting Posts

2010-11-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

Women as sex objects

2010-10-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

Why do women complain when we call them sex objects..i mean when u ask 4 sex they object..

Geek signs

2010-07-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord...

2010-06-29T04:23:00.000-07:00

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cnt change,the courage to change the things i cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those pple
i had to kill today bcoz they pissed me off.And also help me to be
careful of the toes i step today as they may be connected to the ass
that i may have to kiss tomorrow.Help me to always give 100% at work
12% on monday,23% on tuesday,40% on wednesday,20% on thursday,5% on
friday.And help me to remember when am havin a really bad day and it
seems that people are trying to piss me that it takes 42 muscles to
frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
Amen

Bankelele

2010-06-18T04:27:00.000-07:00

I know #Bankelele, the real Bankelele...
He owes me a hundred favors...

How Stupid is this?

2010-06-15T03:42:00.000-07:00

Calling up yu(Essar) customer care coz I don't have internet settings on my phone, the voice prompt tells me to visit the yu website(yu.co.ke) for the settings.
How retarded is that..????

The End of the World

2010-06-14T08:04:00.001-07:00

...And I believe the World is burning to the ground,
Oh well, I guess we gonna find out,
Let's see how far we've come
...And I believe it all is coming to an end,
Oh well, I guess we gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come

A deeper meaning

2010-06-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

Work is a necessary evil to b avoided.
I can tell u R lying,your lips are moving..
I am not prejudiced,I hate everyone equally.I used to be lost in the shuffle now i just shuffle along with the lost..
Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma...
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent...
The objective of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his...
I know you think you understood what I said but what u heard was not what i meant....
I don't have a drinking problem, I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem

The Beauty of Mathematics

2010-06-10T01:33:00.000-07:00

Beauty of Mathematics!!!!!!!

1 x 8 + 1= 9
12 x 8 + 2= 98
123 x 8 + 3= 987
1234 x 8 + 4= 9876
12345 x 8 + 5= 98765
123456 x 8 + 6= 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7= 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8= 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9= 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321

Mind Boggling...

56 types of geeks

2010-06-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

Kenyanese culture

2010-05-29T03:44:00.000-07:00

Kenya, a country where most people write in a Language few speak(English)
And most people speak a language few can write(Kiswahili)

Pirates don't give a F****

2010-05-29T01:25:00.001-07:00

Date: Sat, 21 Aug 2004 18:21:43 -0100 (GMT)
From: anakata
To: KMWLAW@flash.net[/email]
Subject: Re: Unauthorized Use of DreamWorks SKG Properties

On Mon, 23 Aug 2004 KMWLAW@flash.net wrote:

> Dennis L. Wilson, Esq.
> KEATS McFARLAND & WILSON, LLP
> 9720 Wilshire Blvd., Penthouse Suite
> Beverly Hills, CA 90212
> Tel: (310) 248-3830
> Fax: (310) 860-0363
>
>
> August 23, 2004
>
>
> VIA ELECTRONIC MAIL
> AND U.S. MAIL
>
> ThePirateBay.org
> Box 1206
> Stockholm 11479
> SWEDEN
>
> [email]tracker-40-aa-5f-03-412675c8@prq.to
>
> Re: Unauthorized Use of DreamWorks SKG Properties
> http://www.thepiratebay.org
>
> To Whom It May Concern:
>
> This letter is being written to you on behalf of our
> client, DreamWorks SKG (hereinafter ^ÓDreamWorks^Ô).
> DreamWorks is the exclusive owner of all copyright,
> trademark and other intellectual property rights in
> and to the ^ÓShrek 2^Ô motion picture. No one is
> authorized to copy, reproduce, distribute, or
> otherwise use the ^ÓShrek 2^Ô motion picture without
> the express written permission of DreamWorks.
[...]
> As you may be aware, Internet Service Providers can
> be held liable if they do not respond to claims of
> infringement pursuant to the requirements of the
> Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). In
> accordance with the DMCA, we request your assistance
> in the removal of infringements of the ^ÓShrek 2^Ô
> motion picture from this web site and any other sites
> for which you act as an Internet Service Provider.
> We further declare under penalty of perjury that we
> are authorized to act on behalf of DreamWorks and
> that the information in this letter is accurate.
> Please contact me immediately to discuss this matter
> further.

As you may or may not be aware, Sweden is not a state in the United States
of America. Sweden is a country in northern Europe.
Unless you figured it out by now, US law does not apply here.
For your information, no Swedish law is being violated.

Please be assured that any further contact with us, regardless of medium,
will result in
a) a suit being filed for harassment
b) a formal complaint lodged with the bar of your legal counsel, for
sending frivolous legal threats.

It is the opinion of us and our lawyers that you are ....... morons, and
that you should please go sodomize yourself with retractable batons.

Please also note that your e-mail and letter will be published in full on
http://www.thepiratebay.org.

Go fuck yourself.

Polite as usual,
anakata

God and Men

2010-05-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

God isn't Fair
He's Justified

Mama's Boy

2010-05-17T11:42:00.001-07:00

No woman, no cry

2010-05-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

Finally, Elton(not I) understands the meaning of this...no Woman no pain

Quote Unquote

2010-05-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

An idle mind is the Devil's workshop but then again Action is the enemy of thought.

In africa

2010-05-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

In Africa, a Lion wakes up knowing that it must outrun the slowest Gazelle. And a Gazelle wakes up knowing that it must outrun the fastest Lion...!

Poverty

2010-04-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

Between me and Poverty,
there is an ATM

MakMende

2010-03-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

1. You ask Makmende who he is and he tells you who you are!
2. Makmende can slam a revolving door!
3. Makmende is the guy who rubs his book when the teacher rubs the black
board.
4. Makmende doesn't use power tab in his mosquito net he just presses tab
on his computer.
5. Makmende once frequented K-street, he is now saved.
6. Obama(always a Kenyan all the time) is afraid he might not stand the
chance for a second term, unless Makmende allows him.
7. The reason Google is still in China is because of Makmende.
8. Don't dream about Makmende, he will hear you.
9. Makmende is the reason why there was traffic jam in Makueni.
10. South Africa are already issuing a security threat posed by Makmende
during world cup.
11. It is said the reason Chelsea was beaten in Champions league is
because Makmende was spotted in the pitch.
12. Makmende went around the world in one day.
13. Tom and Mary dropped out of school because of bullying by Makmende.
14. Makmende showed up at Pizza Inn and took all the pizza.
15. Moses broke the ten commandments due to fear when he saw Makmende.
16. I hear Makmende uprooted the railway on his own - Museveni should be
very afraid!
17. Makmende does not use M-pesa, Zap or Yu cash, he runs the system.
18. Makmende beat the hell out of GSU as they tried to deport him.
19. Makmende has revolutionized the car industry with the new Toyota Mark
Mende.
20. The dude can hang clothes on his Safaricom line.
21. After eating garlic Makmende doesn’t smell like garlic but garlic
smells like Makmende.
22. The only reason you’re conscious right now is because Makmende
doesn’t want to carry you.
23. Makmende can look at your photo and know you are lying.
24. Nobody knows what would happen if Chuck Norris and Makmende met, but
one thing is for sure: Makmende would still be standing.
25. Always look before you leap. Unless Makmende is chasing you. Then you
had better just jump.
26. Makmende refused a syringe at a blood bank. Instead, he asked for a
gun and a bucket.
27. Makmende found Bin Laden. Let him go, and found him again for his own
amusement.
28. Makmende doesn’t drink honey. He chews bees.
29. Makmende doesn’t have nightmares. Nightmares have Makmende.
30. Makmende and Superman once had a fight. They bet that whoever lost
would wear his underwear outside his pants.
31. If Makmende was Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called
1.
32. Makmende doesn’t need a translator. Pain sounds the same in every
language.
33. The Boogieman checks his closet for Makmende.
34. The Dinosaurs laughed at Makmende…
35. Makmende has been to Mars. Why do you think there’s no life on Mars?
36. Makmende does not date women...he doesn't need to.....
37. The truth hurts. Not as much as Makmende.
38. Nyongesa the sane and the immediate chairman of ladies tried to be
like Makmende once - he was surprised by the turn of events - ask him......!

Fear of Failure

2010-03-21T03:55:00.000-07:00

Am not afraid to fail. Am just afraid of how far I'll go and what I'll do inorder not to...!

NEVER GIVE UP

2010-03-15T02:19:00.001-07:00

GALZ GALZ GALZ

2010-03-15T02:02:00.001-07:00

Where do I even start.? Sigh, I give up. At least I cant be faulted for not trying!

Of people and crossing over

2010-03-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

on both sides of the road there's always someone trying to cross to the other side.

THESE KENYAN GALS!!

2010-02-02T13:24:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what's with this "modern" Kenyan galz? They want to be like me, to be an equal. Are they serious? Listen up mami, you CANNOT walk a mile in my shoes. You have no idea where am from and the shit I've gone thru.

LIE, LIE, LIE

2010-02-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

If you are going to tell a lie, make it big enough and keep repeating it then people will eventually believe you.
Adolf Hitler

The Decisions we make Define who we Are!

2010-02-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

KIBAKI

2009-12-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

And the crazywizard is SOOO Back!

2009-10-30T05:18:00.000-07:00

From being domesticated to learning a universal truth(i.e Am ALWAYS right), the crazywizard has been through a cruel life journey, but now he's back. Bring out the vodka, coffee, kush and all those kewl honies who know that my word is law. Am back gain, making and breaking my own rules. If you on my team, act like you know kabla ukalie bench!!
Round hii ni kuspoil like neva before. U know me, always pushing it to the edge. No hard feelings ya'll, just the way I am!!

Anatha Krazie Head from Chep!

2009-10-30T05:13:00.000-07:00

mobile version

Yeye pia ni member

2009-09-18T03:36:00.001-07:00

Anatha Ill mchongwano

2009-09-18T03:09:00.001-07:00

Ati mkono ni ngumu mpaka ukishika mouse computer inasema "New Hardware found. Please Install!"

Men's Rules 1/7

2009-08-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - we now hear the guys' side. These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.

Except me

2009-07-26T05:23:00.000-07:00

You can have anything in the world(heck, even the whole universe) except me!

Illest Mchongwano

2009-07-06T00:48:00.000-07:00

Naskia kwenu mumeendelea hadi mko na teabags za uji
Mamako ni mnono wakati wa election violence kijiji mzima ilijificha nyuma yake
Wewe uko na skin ingine tight mpaka ukiwink mguu moja inainuka
Nyanyako ni mzee, nilimwambia ACT YOUR AGE akakufa
manzi yako ana ulimi ingine rough mpaka akiongea yeye huskip kama CD
sheila we ni m ugly mathako alikudrop tao akashikwa na kanjo for littering
unajipaka make up mob ukilia unaacha erosion
una kichwa ndogo mpaka masikio zako ni slide

KCSE 2015

2009-07-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

KENYA NATIONAL EXAMINATIONS COUNCIL KNEC
KENYA CERTIFICATE OF SECONDARY EDUCATION (KCSE)
DECEMBER 2015
HISTORY AND GOVERNMENT (HISTO)
PAPER ONE (1)
START: 2.00 P.M TO 5.00 PM

INTRUCTIONS

ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS
Take the first 15min to read through the instructions and the question booklet.
Do not write on this question paper
Answer within the time limit, 3 hrs
Any form of cheating will lead to disqualification
Incase of anything raise your hand and ask the invigilator
Note that not all questions may contain multiple choice answers. Questions with multiple answers are those the examiner found challenging.
Discussion is allowed after the paper

1. Which year was the post election violence?
a) 2002 b)2008 c) 1942 d) 2007

2. Who financed the post election violence?

3. Who was the chief mediator?
a) Graca Marcel b) Chinua Achebe c) Kofi Anan d) Thambo Mbeki

4.i) In the USA there was a president who had a dream
a) What was his name?
b) What was his dream?
c) Which year was the dream?
d) Did the dream come true?
e) if so in which year?

5. Expound on the historic handshake and circumstances leading to it.

6. Who was the chief mediator and what was he mediating?

7. What is the name of the smart man who embarrassed the Presidential security detail? Which year was it and what did the man want to tell the President?

8. Who is an IDP? ( 2 Marks)

9. Write an essay about Barrack Obama. Include details like when and where he was born, his parents names, where he grew up, his wife and children’s names and when they were each born, how many wives his father had and which year he married each of them, his fathers favorite food. Also write about his academic, economic, social, spiritual and emotional background

10. Kofi Anan is one of the greatest black men alive. He has achieved so much in his life time; please give his academic background, year and place of birth, family status and intellectual achievements. State the years respectively and discuss his career path and rise to stardom

11. Write about the Krigler Report, its findings and recommendations. (20 Marks)

12. Write vividly about the Waki Report, its findings and recommendations. (20 Marks)

13. Discuss the maize scandal. Hint. Give details of the year, who the suspects were and the true victims, how much maize they stole, where they took the maize and how many Kenyans died. (20Marks)

14. Who were Ababu Nabwamba and Dr. Bonny Khalwale? Write everything you know about them (20 Marks).

15. Write vividly about the Artur brothers and their mission in Kenya . Also give all their nicknames. (20 Marks)

16. List the Pentagon members

17. Is is true that MP’s ate flour and washed it down their throats with oil?

18. Write about the oil saga

19a).how many districts are in kenya (please approximate to the nearest 10).

b)Which one has chemolingot as its headquarters?

c)Mr mutua travels from kijabe to malaba via kaimosi. describe, the political, economic and administrative changes he encounters along the way (20 marks)

20)expound on the following terminologies(20 Marks)
a)Mavi ya Kuku
b)Nyefnyef
c)Mkate Nusu

What is the difference between men and women?

2009-07-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

A successful man is who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man will pay $2 for an item he wants, women will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t want.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she wont change and she does.
There are times a man doesn’t understand woman- before and after marriage.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man doesn’t until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes;…

Women...

2009-05-07T03:29:00.000-07:00

This article is imported directly from the Daily Nation (Wednesday May 6, 2009) with no alterations whatsoever. It's from a 'distressed' woman seeking 'advice'...

I've been in a relationship for two years with a man two years my junior. Despite being hardworking, he has not been luck in finding a job. I have a job that meets most of my needs. While gae has never been an issue for me, his siblings feel am too old for him and have never accepted me as a potential wife for their brother. On the other hand, I have friends who judge his financial status and feel I dont have a future with a financially unstable man. We've not had it easy with people around us trying to separate and discourage us, but we have endured it all. He has met my family and they love him and even invite him over for family events occassionally.
We love each other and would like to settle down. Although he has not officially asked me to marry him, he has mentioned severely that his intetions are to do so once he is financially stable. The problem is that I will be 31 by the end of this year and feel that time is not on my side. For two years, his financial status has been almost zero. As much as I want to be with him, I can't help but wonder if I have a bright future with a man rent I sometimes have to pay because he has no money to do so.
Could my friends be right that am wasting my time with a man who has nothing to offer. What if his financial situation does not change and I have to bear the entire financial burden when we finally settle down or, worse, I lose my job? Who will cater for us if he is not lucky by then? Am I making a grand mistake by waiting to marry this man?

I won't even comment on this...
Joan K.

Sucks to be always right

2009-05-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

An anomaly is something that does not confirm to established and proven theories of science. People through and through are basically all the same until you meet one who seems like an anomaly. Seriously, they seem to defy every theory you might have and just as you begin to think that after all you have found you much sort after anomaly, they just have to go and prove you right(that there are no anomalies. They are all the same, one way or another.)

Disclaimer:I don't claim to be different. As a matter of fact, i more or less am the pig all men are made out to be.

ALKOHOL

2009-04-05T05:30:00.000-07:00

It's said that Alcohol is man's worst enemy. But Jesus said 'Love thy Enemy'

Kichizi Quotes

2009-03-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.

by: Mo Udall
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

by: Ogden Nash
God is really only another artist, he made the elephant, giraffe and cat. He has no real style but keeps trying new ideas.

by: Pablo Picasso
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

by: Mark Twain
The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless.

by: Paul Johnson
Never have children, only grandchildren.

by: Gore Vidal
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

by: Mark Twain
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

by: Mark Twain
I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them.

by: Pablo Picasso
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

by: Mark Twain
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean.

by: Mark Twain
Everything you can imagine is real.

by: Pablo Picasso

Beer vs Vagina

2009-03-15T23:14:00.000-07:00

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you
find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may
get mad, make a scene,kick you out, etc.
If you get home reeking of vagina
your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave
you. There's definitely a point to be had here,
depending on your point of view and personal
circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive
home.
Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to
drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place,
your reputation may suffer.
If you eat any p***y in public, you become a
legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you
may get arrested.
If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying
saucers.
Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen
god.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring.
Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never
gets pissed off
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one
to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but
it eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner, ale, lager, etc
One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an
hour after you've drank it
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner
is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel
angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that
Beer would
experience none of those feelings, let alone express
them,

an extra point for BEER!

wise saying

2009-01-13T01:52:00.000-08:00

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

East African Ride

2009-01-04T02:24:00.000-08:00

Now, no pun intended but I do know that am absolutely krazy. That's why my project this year is to ride as furthest as I can on Easter. The plan is to go to Uganda, cycle to Tanzania then all the way back to Kenya. Na juu ya hiyo storo, am offering the bargain of a life time. 20bob perKm. Let see how far you pips can make me go!

God Vs The Scientist

2008-12-21T07:30:00.001-08:00

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”

“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”

Manhood

2008-12-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

Do what thy manhood bids thee do, from none but self expect applause; He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws.

Ma3 Madness

2008-12-19T23:54:00.000-08:00

Unaenda kupanda mathree.imejaa deadly.alafu conda anashow wadhii wakusongee. U r still thinking whether uingie au zi.then the conda tells u "ingia tu, usitoe viatu"

LOVE IS FOR LOSERS

2008-12-13T02:06:00.000-08:00

Love is for losers,
Suckers and fools.
Love is for losers,
Day tripping cruisers,
Who believe in happily-ever-after.

No it's not for me.
If you're going to talk of love,
Then let me be.
I'm free from entanglements.
Frozen estrangements,
And broken relationships,
Just don't do it for me.

All I want is sexual truth.
An evening of erotic proof,

Husbands

2008-09-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

Husbands are like candles, if left unattended, they are bound to go out!!!

Pencil Sharpner

2008-08-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

Stupid Construction

2008-08-05T08:47:00.001-07:00

Jump 4 your life

2008-07-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

Your House as seen by

2008-07-31T08:49:00.001-07:00

YOU

YOUR BUYER

YOUR BANK

YOUR APPRAISER

KRA

Why men are not chosen for the car advertisements??! :)

2008-07-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

KICHIZI QUOTES

2008-06-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

Don't live in a town where there are no doctors.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.

The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

Think like a wizard .. . .

2008-06-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

1.
man
------------
board

Answer = man overboard

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.

2.
stand
------------
i

Answer = I understand

OK . . .

Got the drift ?

Let's try a few now and see

how you fare ?

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/ g/

Answer = reading between the lines

4. r
road
a
d

Answer = cross road

Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.

5. cycle cycle cycle

Answer = tricycle

Not easy to figure out ha!

6.
0
------------
M.D. Ph.D.

Answer= two degrees below zero

C'mon give it a little thought!!

7.
knee
------------
light

Answer= neon light

( knee - on - light )

U can prove u r smart by getting this one.

8.
ground
------------ ---
feet feet feet feet feet feet

Answer= six feet underground

Oh no, not again!!

9.
he's X himself

Answer = he's by himself

Now u messing up big time.

10. ecnalg

Answer= backward glance

Not even close ! !

11. death ..... life

Answer= life after death

Okay last chance ............ ......

12. THINK

Answer = think big ! !

And the last one is real fundoo - - -

13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbb ababaabbaaabbbb. .

Ans. = long time no 'C'
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, do send your feedback on this test

THE POWER OF LOVE

2008-06-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

5 FACTS IN THE WORLD.....!!!

2008-06-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
Fact 2 : After reading the first fact, all fools try it.
Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha....!
Fact 4: Now you are laughing... bcoz you became a fool!!!
Fact 5: You are going to forward this now coz you don't wanna be the only fool He
...
hee!

TELL IT LIKE IT IS

2008-06-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

"Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."- John Lennon

2008-06-06T01:46:00.001-07:00

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

by: Pablo Picasso

THREE WISE MEN?

2008-06-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

Ati three wise men? That's a LIE!!!

2008-06-02T03:21:00.000-07:00

2008-06-02T03:11:00.001-07:00

2008-06-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

NEW DISCOVERY

2008-06-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

Just discovered a new kenyan site that rocks. Chek out http://www.kichizi.com/

Here r samples

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an African, using Bill Gate’s - (an American)technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Akaranga longshoremen, and trucked to you by Wagithendu from Kiambu.That, my friend, is Globalization

No xtion?

2008-06-02T01:07:00.000-07:00

People,kama you aint getting the bidnez…hii ni yako.jivunie kuwa…

R they RICH?

2008-06-02T01:02:00.000-07:00

A Young boy on his way to buy a loaf of bread in Zimbabwe .

THE CRAZIEST BLACKOUTS EVER!

2008-06-02T00:50:00.000-07:00

Sunday 6a.m, AFTER THE BASH

And the winner is.......................

CHECK OUT THIS SITE

2008-06-01T01:57:00.000-07:00

You guyz seriously have to check out this site http://www.rotten.com/ Here's a sample of what u'll find

SHIRTS GUYZ WEAR

2008-06-01T01:46:00.000-07:00

REQUEST 4 SSLARY RAISE

2008-04-13T02:15:00.001-07:00

*Subject: The Day the Penis asked for a Raise! LOL]I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for thefollowing reasons. **I do physical labor. **I work at great depths. **I plunge headfirst into everything I do. **I do not get w**eekends or public holidays off. **I work in a damp environment.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. **I work in high temperatures. **My work exposes me to contagious diseases. *** * Sincerely, **P. Niss. **** ** The Response:** Dear P. Niss After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you haveraised, the administration rejects your request for the followingreasons: **You do not work 8 hours straight. **You fall asleep after brief work periods **You do not always follow the orders of the **management team. **You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting otherlocations.**You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working.You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearingthe correct protective clothing. **You will retire well before you are 65. **You are unable to work double shifts. **You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completedassigned task. **And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering andexiting the workplace **carrying two suspicious-looking bags.**Sincerely, **V. Gina. *

Y SME CHIX WONT BE TAKEN ON A 2ND DATE

2008-04-13T02:14:00.001-07:00

Chic: (calls Guy ): "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do somenyama .. ?"Guy: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawasweetie..how about Buffet Park....Shall I pick u at 2 ..?"Chic: "Sawa.. laterz."(Guy amukas from Friday's hengies, showers, puts onjeans and polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms, thendrives to the Chics crib...)So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia thebutchery to order the nyaks.Guy (to Chic): So what do u want to have .. ?Chic: just anything...(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyoni jibu gani ..?)Guy (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu, kilo moja na nusu, choma, ...ikuje nakachum... (chic interrupts Guy.. !)Chic: Apana.. eeiishh..! ..Si you know I don't eat goat meat..!Guy: (thinks to himself..."Really..!... then why didn't you say so in thefirst place, nugu hii") (To Chic) .. How about beef then..?Chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont likemathunya...( Guy looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself..."atifat,you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat arenegligible..")Guy: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe hainamafuta. (butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma andholds it up for Guy to see)Guy: "Weka hiyo nione...(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale... theChic points at a small..... very very small piece of fat on the meat)Chic: "Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana , tuonyeshe ingine,Butcher curses ....under his breath. Other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start tocurse . Guy feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fatjang'o women they pitad on their way in. Chic points at a fresh carcass ofmeat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that isimpossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on thefloor.Chic: "Kata pale.. ...."Butcher: "Hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti ..(butcher attempts toreturn the piece back on the scale)Chic: "Apana..!.. Hauna nyama hakuna zingine kwa store..."Guy: (to Chic) " Eeh ..lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat themathunya pieces ama... ?"Chic: "OK"Guy: (to butcher) "Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania naspinach.Ongezaugali mbili..."Chic: .. "Ugali..? me I dont want ugg..Dont they have Chipos..?"Chic: (to butcher) "Leta na ugali moja na chips mbili..."Guy: ( thinks to himself... no wonder her butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoidanimal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haonikundule ..)Butcher: "KAMAU...!!! Oya nyama ino..! ..ni furae, na wikire nyanya, dhaniana spinashi... ndugekire waaru..(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tossesit to kamau in the kitchen behind him)Butcher: "Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53 ... Itachukwa ithaa moja...."Guy pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag..So we enter the openspace of the club and sit down. Waiter comes,Guy orders his cold Tusker,Chic orders her malt. We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda.... then there is thismama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas, sausages and mshikakis..Chic: "Wewe ..psst ppstt.. nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ..."Guy: (shocked).. "Haiya, si u wait for the meat.."Chic: "I will still kula the meat..."Guy: ok (and she proceeds to kula 3 samoz and 3 mshikakis)One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto forwashing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chiposand the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice.... "Bonne Appetit"..! ..Karibu Nyama " ... Guy invites the Chic and thinks to himself.. now she willreally shiba... LAKINI WAPI..! Yaani after all that shiet, she just henpecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama. As if that is NOTENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:...Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter! niletee serviettes pliz..natoothpicks..."Guy: (cursing silently ) " Why arent you eating nyama...."Chic: "I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u juathe way they can be nasty ..??.Without another word Guy proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter topack the rest of the meat in a juala , patias waiter the now wrappedremaining meat to peleka to his car ...... Then he fungulias the carburetor... "Leta TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Matchcoming on the screens in about 20 mins..Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours...to the amazement of the Guy ...Chic: "tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! ..niitie yule mama wa sambusa....(Guy closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed toTopaz....Fish and Chips...! ).So later on at around 12:30 am Guy takes the chick to the car and startsbeing naughty kidogo. the chick responds well and before long they arecatching rubs like .....Guy : " Baby .. baby .. si we go to somewhere more private ..??"Chic: "Aaaah.. aaah... you naughty boy..!!! ..rrrrrrr... sure , whats onyour mind....?"Guy: " I'll show you ...!( Guy drives like a mad man in anticipation of what is at stake ..40 kgs ofpure booty ... occassionaly missing the gears and going way up her tinyskirt) .Before long they get to Guys crib , struggle and grope all the way to thethird floor.Guy :( Panting , both already half naked, he tries to remove her panties).Chic: "Wweeee..!!.. iz how ??....what you trying to do..?"Guy: (amazed) " Kwani what do you think ..?"Chic: "Bilaz ..!!..I dont want..!!"Guy: " Come on babe..!.."Chic: (pulling a very serious look) " NO..! ..Dont do that..!.."Guy: " Hala..! ..whats the matter..!.. ( thinking ...si thambutha umekula ?.. na viazi vya mafuta ?..)Chic: " I can't..! .."Guy : ( thinking ....Tusker Malt kumi na nyama ya ngombe fry ? ... APANA.... Shuma lazima ilale ndani..!..)Chic: " I'm rolling ...!!!..Guy: " SH*T ..!!!.."

PHILOSOPHY

2008-04-13T02:13:00.001-07:00

> Socrates was right. If you want to enjoy life, get married. If you find a> good spouse, you will be happy. If you don't, you will be a philosopher. If> in doubt, look at relationship counsellors — they are either single or> divorced, but they can wax philosophical, man!>> "Life can give u a hundred reasons to cry,> But u can give life a thousand reasons to smile."> Have a fabulous day

MCHONGUANO

2008-04-13T02:12:00.000-07:00

*JIENJOY LAKINI!**Wall za nyumba yenyu ni thin... ma neighbors wakikatakata kitunguu munaliaKwenyu nyinyi ni wengi mpaka muko na number plate...** **Ati we ni m-black mpaka shetani akikucheki anasema 'Jesus!'** **** **Ati we ni m-tall mpaka ukivaa trao by the time ifike kwa waist imeishafashion...** **Wewe nywele zako ni ngumu kabla uchanue wewe humeza Panadol.** **Ati TV yenu ni small mpaka nyi hu-watch na macho moja****Nyinyi kwenu ni wa-black mkiingia kwa moti yenyu dirisha zinakuwa tinted****Wewe ni mnono ukiingia class unakaa next to everyone** **Nyi ni mababi mpaka munapika chapo na lotion** **First time yako ku-buy ball gum shopkeeper alikugei ya green ukasema 'natakaile imeiva'****TV yenyu ni old mukiwasha Kasavuli bado yuko kipindi cha watoto** **
Nyinyi ni wengi father-ko akicome home anasema 'wananchi?'** ** ** **Mathako m-lazy anapika chapo moja na anatoa fotocopy ya hizo zingine** **We mfupi jo unashuka kwa basi na parachute** **Budako ni fala mpaka ye hu-cover newspaper** **TV yenu ndogo mpaka news huanza...'je munatuona?'** ** **Paka yenyu imeona movie mob.. ni otero.. mpaka ikifuata panya inalia'tereng! tereng!'** ** ** **Wewe ni mshamba mpaka the first time ulipanda mathree ulitandika vitambaa.****Kwenyu nyi wengi badala ya sofasets muko na viti za stadi (stadium)** **TV yenu ni nzee mpaka mna izima na maji** **Budaako ni mso ye hukula maembe** **kama** njugu*

DAYTIME AFFAIR

2008-04-13T02:11:00.000-07:00

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway."Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband'shome early!""I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!""If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out thewindow! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discoveredhe had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so hestarted running along beside the others, about 300 ofthem.Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in asbest he could.After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him withsome curiosity, jogged closer."Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gaspingfor air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clotheswith you under your arm?""Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressedright at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, " Do youalways wear a condom when you run

REINCARNATION

2008-04-13T02:10:00.001-07:00

Chipo was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had aboyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.- "Honey! "- said the psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life.But in the reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men willfall at your feet".Chipo left very happy and excited, and as she went over a bridge shethought:"the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins". She decided to jump offthe bridge right away.But, incredibly Chipo didn't die!She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses andfainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to seevery well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching hersurroundings, feeling all the bananas. She mumbled with a huge smile on herface:- "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!

TOOTHBRUSH

2008-04-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

*A **small girl walks-in while her father is dressing in the bedroom.She looks at his privates and points at his person and asks "Dad what's thatthing between your legs?" Dad replies "I don't know".She goes to kitchen and finds her mum "Mum what is that long thing betweendad's legs?" The mum instead of explaining things to her she replies "Idon't know"A week later when the mum was coming from work the little girl runs to herand says "Mum you refused to tell me the name of that thing between dad'slegs. I have finally figured it out on my own. IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH".The mum laughs then asks her "How do u know that?"The girl explains "....when I came back from pre-school this morning I sawthe maid kneeling in front of dad,brushing her teeth with dad's toothbrush and sure enough there wasTOOTHPASTE in her mouth ".*

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

2007-04-26T04:31:00.001-07:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

2007-04-26T04:31:00.000-07:00